Monday, August 30, 2010

Arkham Inmates – Serious Rhymes in the Serious House (Batman Villian Rap)

(Written with the help of my brother, Michael.)

Mob boss: What do you propose?

Joker: It’s simple. We…uh..out-rap the Batman

Version 1: Joker

Slash you with knives, until you’re delirious,

I gotta ask you, commissioner, why so serious?

My origins, they are mysterious,

My actions make Gotham PD furious.

Some say I was changed because in acid I was soaked,

It’s time to hear the killing joke,

Yo, Batman, you think you’re such an achiever,

I’m just a dog chasing cars, I’m no schemer.

Try and run, I’ll put bombs in your boats,

You’ll think it’s a hoax,

But I swear it’s all one of my bad jokes.

Arkham Inmates represent, we’re agents of chaos,

With my girl, Harley Quinn, all the bitches wanna lay us.

I’ll slash open your cheeks,

Because you’re so weak,

Now you’ve been killed ‘cause you called me a freak.

You mobsters see me, all you do is scoff,

But I gotta wonder, did your balls drop off?

Will you care to place, a little wager?

You know what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stranger.

Yo, Batman, you think so you’re so cool,

You know tonight you’re gonna break your one rule.

Now I’ll pass it over, to a little birdlike man,

Take the mike, Oswald, it’s all part of the plan.

Version 2: The Penguin

Think your safe, think again

You just sold your nuclear submarine to a Mr. P. N. Guin

I cause havoc with parrots, ostrich and ducks,

You know I look so snappy in my awesome tux

Of villains, you know that I’m arch,

Now it’s time for the penguins to march!

Chilling with my honeys at the Iceberg Lounge,

Rapping with my friend, the Crime Prince Clown.

Think you can rap? Well have you heard?

Any rhyme that ain’t mine is for the birds.

Causing trouble in Gotham, you know I cause hella,

Floating down with my special, modified umbrella.

I’m gonna pass it over to my girl, who’s also a cat,

Don’t make fun of me because I’m phat.

Version 3: Catwoman

Think you can stop me by dressing up as a bat?

Looks like you messed with the wrong pussy cat.

You know I steal, I don’t follow the laws,

Now you’re cut with my razor cat claws.

You say you’re the dark knight, but I’m darker

My claws are sharp, but my rhymes are sharper.

From me you’ll never survive,

Try and bring me down, I got eight more lives.

When you hear me coming it’s really scary,

Worse than that movie where I was played by Halle Berry.

Me and my mates, we’re of the same ilk,

Now can I get a cold glass of milk?

When I’m done with you, you’ll forget who you were,

Doesn’t take much to make this cat purr.

Now I’m through pulling this lyrical trigga,

Can turn the mic over to be my pal Ed Nigma.

Version 4: The Riddler

When you’re messing with me, of trouble you’re in the middle,

You know you it’s impossible to solve my riddle.

But it’s not hard to solve the riddle of my pants,

Come on y’all bitches and do your sexy dance.

Damn! That’s the hottest ass that I ever seen,

You know that I wear this costume of green.

You hear my rhymes, and then you go ‘oh!’

This series just went from DCU to Vertigo!

I commit crimes tons of times on a lark,

I carry a cane that looks like a question mark,

Riddle me this, riddle me that,

What’s stupider than a man dressing like a bat?

The answer is an empty barrel’s stuffing,

And you know that the answer is nothing.

You know what’s worse than Halle Berry?

The time I was played by Jim Carry.

My rhymes are through, I’m done chilling,

Now its time to pass it to the underused villains

Version 5: Lame Villains

Crazy Quilt: You’re crying like a child whose milk has been spilt,

See a flash of color, you know it’s Crazy Quilt.

Man-Bat: We’re kind of similar, will you look at that?

When you reverse your name, you get me, Man-Bat

Calendar Man: Every day of the week, I got a new plan,

Save the date for Calendar Man.

Solomon Grundy: Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday

Solomon Grundy born on a Monday. Bitch.

KGBeast: I kill Regan and more Gothamites at least,

In Soviet Russia, nothing stops KGBeast.

Clayface: dripping bits of my self all over the place,

You’ll get a mushy ending with Clayface.

Poison Ivy: Some people think my character just causes an itch,

But you know you’re dealing with the green plant bitch.

When Poison Ivy’s coming, the pain has began,

I’m representing my guy, the Floronic Man.

Mr. Freeze: Give me the cold shoulder, I’ll rain ice on Gotham,

You know what they say “Snow money, snow problems!”

You might think beating me will be a breeze,

But it ain’t that cool with Mr. Freeze.

Bane: With my mask and bondage gear, I look insane,

I broke the bat, so you know that I’m Bane.

Hush: I hate Bruce Wayne, he will be crushed,

No one can hear me coming, because I’m Hush.

Scarecrow: What’s your biggest fear? I’ll drive you insane.

Hear the diagnosis of Jonathan Crane.

Bring it on, Batman. We’ll go toe-to-toe

Hit with a fear toxin by the bag-headed Scarecrow.

Egghead: My egg-sellent rhymes are always hard-boiled,

My egg-citing plans will never be foiled,

I’m played by Vincent Price, who is now egg-spired or dead,

But the crypt can never contain Egghead!

Mr. Zsasz: Every kill gets a mark, so my skin’s got pizzazz,

You’ll be just another dash mark, for Mr. Zsasz.

Mad Hatter: Think things can’t get worse, well they’re gonna get badder

Down the rabbit hole, with the Mad Hatter.

Killer Croc: I’m a bad reptile, Steve Irwin can’t talk,

No one can wrestle Killer Croc!

Ventriloquist: I’ll blast ya batmobile with my heater, so you’ll lose the race,

My flivver pulls ahead, all the dames love Scarface!

I’m chummy with my dummy, he fears my wooden fist,

You’re gonna lose, see, when you fight the Ventriloquist!

Anarky: I’m Anarky! Any government is a disgrace,

Let me pass the mic to my pal Two-Face.

Version 6: Two-Face

People thought that I was heaven sent,

I was Gotham’s White Knight, I was Harvey Dent,

As Gotham’s DA, I was no phony,

I nearly put away Sal Maroni.

I hope the dark knight will never return,

Cause I got half my face badly burned.

So don’t give me any more of your lip,

How much have you ever lost on a coin flip?

Heads or tails, it never fails,

The coin comes down and then you wail,

I point my gun at your feet, you’re gonna dance,

Ready to leave your life to unbiased chance?

All because me and Rachel couldn’t consummate our romance.

We have a winner,

Now I’m a sinner,

After losing half my face, I’m certainly thinner.

Suddenly, a bat-rang knocks me to the ground,

I try and find the mic, it’s nowhere to be found,

Then I hear the voice, like a cancerous Darth Vader,

Who has the voice? It’s the Caped Crusader.

Version Seven: Batman

You thought you won? Is that what you understood?

This city just showed you it’s willing to believe in rhymes that are good.

You scum are the disease, I’m the cure,

You can’t hurt me because I’ll always endure.

I’ll beat you cowardly and superstitious lot over and over again,

Just because I’m the goddamn Batman.

My rhymes are better, my beat’s more bomb too,

Why do I allow my chin to show? To mock you.

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